Antara Cita2 dan Rezeki

Cita-cita vs rezeki. I had my own story bout it. it has been fifteen years I said to myself that I want to be a doctor who treat others well and cure anybody who have disease especially skin disease. When I was 7, I went to Hospital Kuala Lipis almost every week to take madicine. I took antibiotic regularly since I have what we call 'kudis buta'. Everyweek my mother wih all my sisters walk down the hill to get there. But I hate the doctors there. They dont even dare totouch us and see our luka and all those properly. "macam sentuh tak nak sentuh'. I hate that attitude. But stil I have to see them to get my medicine. And that is when I berazam to be a medical doctor (apart from seeing their nice smart white coat).

I keep it to myself since that time. All games I played will relate to doctor. I will be a doctor, Nana will be at home cooking and Eti will be our small sister (that sort of thing we play, it is so FUN). Everytime I bought an 'alat mainan', it will be a doctor kit. And I keep my ambition till I was in my secondary school, Sekolah Seri Puteri. I know that I am not among the bright student there, but still I have do faith in myself that I can be a doctor. It never change for one and a half decade.

But everything is not like we thought we're going to have. After my SPM result, I am grateful for that result Allah gave me. Alahamdulullah. BUt I dont know why, at that moment, I loose my confident I build up all these while. With 9A and 1B, can I take madicine in University. Can I survive there? I dont even get full A1 in SPM and can I score in a course which is the hardest course everyone mention about? Every bright student (not every but almost) will apply for that course, and am I crazy to apply something that I have a very small chance to get in? All sorts of question (basically negative thought came) were in my mind. Then suddenly, just at the right time there is an article in a paper bout the tension and heavy workloads suffered by doctor. I dont know to call it a coincident or what. But that is another reason why I reconsider to be doctor in my life.

I dont know how to describe it. But that is how I feel. Feeling down and I dont know what else to do in my life since that is the only thing I wanna be. Then I meet a job advisor ( I think that is what people call him) and he propose me to be a teacher. And my mom also suggest the same thing to me. Something that I never imagine to happen in my life. Almost every moment I said to myself in my school that I dont want to end up as a teacher. But he said that we have to consider all factors, such as job opportunity, our qualification and our interest. And the most important factor among the three is 'pasaran kerja'. As you could imagine, at that state, I cant think of anything and I can decide what is the best thing in my life. And I do take his suggestion and mark 'tindikan matematik' on the scholarship application latter. Do I regret myself?

I do ask the same question to myself over and over again. My grandfather disagree with my decission, my aunties also, my uncles, my friends and almost everybody who know me well. Everybody was saying, to be a teacher you dont have go oversea, just do it in 'maktab' like 'tok ayah' dulu. I do wish to be the first doctor in my family, to be the first daughter to go oversea like my abah and I also wish to be a doctor obviously. But I dont know at that moment Allah tak beri keyakinan waktu itu. Even when I am accepted to go to Kolej Mara Seremban (KMS), I still cant believe that I will be a teacher, something that I dont want to be in the first place. I took a long period that all these is happening and this is it and I cant change the decission I made.

Eventhough my 'tok ayah' always said that 'tulah suruh jadi dr tak nak', Iknow he is upset coz he rely on me to the doctor within the family, but I need to be strong. Maybe itu bukan rezeki. Walaupun dah lama kita meranceng sesuatu, mungkin itu bukan yang terbaik buat kita. Mungkin Allah tahu aku tak mampu lakukannya dan mungkin Allah ada perancangan yang lebih hebat buat ku. Eventhough all the characters are within myself, but I know I cant be a doctor anymore. Now I am a teacher going to be. Teacher. Another thing I realise, we cant hate certain thing badly cause maybe it will come to us sooner or later. Just like this. Sama seperti ( I couldnt remember a sabda or from Ayat quran) yang maksudnya, bersederhanalah kamu dalam islam. Yeah, that is true.

Itulah kisah antara cita-cita dan rezeki. Kita hanya mampu merancang, namun hanya Allah yang akan menetapkan segala-galanya. Hanya percaya pada takdir dan Qada' dan Qadarnya, pasti ada hikmah di sebalik apa yang telah DIA tetapkan. Moga aku menemui hikmahnya suatu hari nanti, AMIN.